DadHacker:

Yelling "Fire in the hole!" whenever I make a checkin is not team building.

I will not refer to the head of corporate research as a "lamer," especially when he is in the same stairwell when I utter this.

David Owen:

If you and your spouse are dressed almost identically, or if you are carrying your passport in a thing around your neck, or if you are wearing any form of footwear or pants that you clearly purchased specifically to wear on airplanes, or if you make it obvious (by repeatedly turning around and talking to passengers in seats not adjacent to yours) that you are travelling with a group, the charge is fifty dollars.

Jello:

At least Ballmer had the good sense to be ugly, which gave him an odd kind of dignity.

Roedy Green:

Your code should not look hopelessly unmaintainable, just be that way.
Otherwise it stands the risk of being rewritten or refactored.

Things I am not allowed to do any more