Regarding the Weather
It's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!
It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!
It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!

Not particularly handsome
He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west
He looks like something the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.
She's so ugly I'd hire her to haunt a house!
If I had a dog as ugly as him, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

Living in sin
I heard they ate supper before they said grace!

[Random Expressions]
He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. (he can't sing)
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow. (he's self-centered)
Don't you piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'! (don't underestimate my intelligence)
That coffee's strong enough to float an iron wedge. (???)
Each one of his sermons is better than the next! (getting worse)
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard. (she's dead and buried)
I had to tell him how the hog eats the cabbage. (didn't understand and required an explanation)
He knows how the hog eats the cabbage. (you may trust his analysis of the situation.)
That dog won't hunt. (the suggestion isn't feasible)
I ain't got no dog in this race. (I have no stake in what's going on.)
We can do anything that can be done by us. (said if you're in a bind)
We'll do it by mean strength and awkwardness. (said if you're facing a difficult task)
You can stick a cat in the oven but that don't make it a biscuit. (that's an infeasible solution)
How are you fixed for bread? (do you have enough bread?)
One wheel in the dirt. (about to go out of control)
.Shitting in tall cotton. (doing well in life)
Too much sugar for the dime. (overwhelming or false praise)
Just leave it where Jesus flung it. (don't mess with that)
He called her everything but a lady. (insults)
She needs some fries to go with that shake. (she's good-looking)

Threats
If you don’t stop I'll knock you in the head and tell God you died.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier?

Poor Character
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
He'd gripe with a ham under each arm.
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
He's about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She's so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn't have enough to saddle a junebug.

A little strange
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy's about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He's acting crazier than a sprayed roach!

Not Particularly Intelligent
The engine's runnin' but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose
He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
The driveway don't go all the way to the house.

Talking about Money
He's so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You've got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He's tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.

From a list I created for my Korean co-worker who's often stumped by our Tennessean boss' expressions.

Shock
Well that just dills my pickle!
Well, if that don't put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
Bless your heart! (said to someone under duress)
Bless my heart! (said to alleviate personal duress)
Holy bow legged Sara!

Similes and Comparisons
That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
Finer than frog hair split four ways.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home. (derision; said sarcastically)
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You're lyin' like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. (derision; said sarcastically)
Why are you smilin' like a goat in a briar patch?
Our preacher's as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
They’re off like a herd of turtles. (derision; said sarcastically)
Felt like a duck at a cock fight. (felt out of place)
Smelled like a fart in a gym sock.
Shakin' like a dog shittin' peach pits. (shaking A LOT)
Looks like a sow in a dress. (you can dress her up but you can't take her out)
Well, don't you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
Uglier than homemade sin.

Southern Expressions: Part 1

Menu Foods said it acted after a supplier, ChemNutra of Las Vegas, recalled all wheat gluten it had imported from the Xuzhou Anying Biologic Technology Development Company of Wangdien, China. ChemNutra said Wednesday that the F.D.A. had found melamine in the gluten. The agency said it was now testing all wheat gluten from China.

The Chinese government said yesterday that no wheat gluten had been exported to the United States or Canada. Xuzhou Anying denied it had ever shipped wheat gluten to either country.

Just when you think China is about to turn the corner on that whole "absolute control of our citizens" thing, they try the same gig with the world.

-janelane

22 Brands of Dog Biscuits Are Added to Pet Food Recall - New York Times

Just what I needed after a long day...AutoCAD questioning my intellectual superiority.

-janelane

existence

DATING is fraught with disappointments, so you can imagine how delighted a single woman might be to find someone like Albert Podell — particularly after she Googles him and learns how rich he is. Last year, Mr. Podell, a 70-year-old lawyer, gave N.Y.U. Law School $2.9 million. He goes out four nights a week, to the opera, symphony or theater. He is well read. He says he has traveled to 162 countries.

Oh. My. God. I totally have those sheets! I slept on them in high school and took them when I moved out of my mom's house.

-janelane, 70 is the new 24???

dating-homes-apartments - New York Times

WITH this week’s release of more than 3,000 Justice Department e-mail messages about the dismissal of eight federal prosecutors, it seems clear that politics played a role in the ousters.

Of course, as one of the eight, I’ve felt this way for some time. But now that the record is out there in black and white for the rest of the country to see, the argument that we were fired for “performance related” reasons (in the words of Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty) is starting to look more than a little wobbly.

United States attorneys have a long history of being insulated from politics. Although we receive our appointments through the political process (I am a Republican who was recommended by Senator Pete Domenici), we are expected to be apolitical once we are in office. I will never forget John Ashcroft, then the attorney general, telling me during the summer of 2001 that politics should play no role during my tenure. I took that message to heart. Little did I know that I could be fired for not being political.

Cool op-ed.

-janelane

Why I Was Fired - New York Times

A Georgia law passed last year prohibits registered sex offenders from living within 1,000 feet of a school bus stop. That would have barred the younger Edenfield from living so close, but a pending lawsuit prompted a federal judge last year to block that provision from taking effect.

Goddamn backwards state does something right and the feds step in and block it. That poor little guy might still be alive.

-janelane

Prosecutor wants death penalty for boy's slaying - CNN.com

I bought a Jetta Wolfsburg Edition! My ML was costing so much in maintenance that I decided it probably wouldn't last but a few more months with several thousands of dollars. For that money, I could drive a new car with 130,000 fewer miles. :-)

Its silver, black interior, with an in-line 5-cylinder engine, and drives like a sports car. It kicks ass. :-)

-janelane, car shopper extraodinaire

"Defuse the ticking time-bomb known as your child's imagination before it explodes and destroys her completely," said child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan, who advised the HHS in composing the guidelines. "New data shows a disturbing correlation between serious accidents and the ability of children to envision a world full of exciting possibility."

The guidelines, titled "Boundless Imagination, Boundless Hazards: Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From A World Of Wonder," are posted on the HHS website, and will also be available in brochure form in pediatricians' offices across the country.

According to McMillan, children can suffer broken bones, head trauma, and even fatal injuries from unsupervised exposure to childlike awe. "If your children are allowed to unlock their imaginations, anything from a backyard swing set to a child's own bedroom can be transformed into a dangerous undersea castle or dragon's lair," McMillan said. "But by encouraging your kids to think linearly and literally, and constantly reminding them they can never be anything but human children with no extraordinary characteristics, you can better ensure that they will lead prolonged lives."

This article's part of the 10% of The Onion that's pretty damn funny.

-janelane

Satire: Experts call for restrictions on childhood imagination - CNN.com