MemeStreams | iPhone 5 Myths

The iPhone 5 is no different than the previous four in that detractors will have no difficulty in coming up with reasons not to buy one, ranging from irrelevant to imaginary. “Don’t buy the first iPhone,” say said, “because it’s not 3G.”

Nevermind that AT&T’s 3G network barely existed in 2007. “Don’t buy the iPhone,” they said in 2007, “because there are no third party apps.” Then they turned around in 2008, after third party apps had been launched in a big way, and said “Don’t buy the iPhone 3G because third party apps aren’t ‘open’ enough.” Nevermind that what they really meant was that the iPhone wasn’t enough of a geek-leaning tinker toy. Then came the iPhone 3GS. “Don’t buy it either,” they warned, “because it’s just like the previous one.” Nevermind that the hardware specs of the 3GS outshines that of the 3G in every category. So heading into the iPhone 5, what will the geeks and other detractors come up with this time by way of trying to talk you out of the iPhone you want and into the Android-based geekphone they’re desperate for you to buy instead? A look back at all the reasons they told you not to buy the iPhone 4 is a good start.

First it was the supposed iPhone 4 antenna issue, which turned out to have been completely fabricated on the part of geeks and never existed – but not before a good chunk of the population had been irrevocably convinced otherwise. Apple even had to hand out free iPhone 4 cases just to get the geekholes who created the controversy to shut up, knowing that they’d “won” and gotten a free case as a trophy. Then it was the fact that the iPhone 4 wasn’t a 4G phone; nevermind that 4G AT&T’s 4G network literally didn’t exist back then and still basically doesn’t to this day. Then they made up the imaginary “scratching” controversy, which unlike with the imaginary antenna controversy, relatively few fell for. And then later Apple released the Verizon iPhone 4, which the geeks attempted to create another phone antenna controversy around before finally settling on the mantra that it wasn’t 4G (still largely irrelevant) and, humorously enough, that it wasn’t the iPhone 5. So now that the iPhone 5 is only a season away from arriving, here’s what the geeks will point to this time as to why you shouldn’t buy one. The validity of their reasoning doesn’t matter; keep in mind that geeks get out of bed in the morning in the hopes of being able to convince the non-geek majority to buy geek-leaning products, and Apple’s products are the least geeky on the planet. So here’s a sampling of the anti-iPhone 5 nonsense they’ll come up with, if they haven’t already.

1) If the iPhone 5 doesn’t have 4G, they’ll label it as being outdated. If it does have 4G, they’ll say it’s the wrong kind; if it’s 4G LTE a la Verizon and AT&T, they’ll point out that the 4G offerings from Sprint and T-Mobile are more widespread. But if the iPhone 5 instead offers the kind of 4G which Sprint and T-Mobile are using, the geeks will say that it’s not “real” 4G because it’s slower. And if the iPhone 5 pulls a hat trick and offers every kind of 4G under the sun, the geeks will warn that it might be too much drain on battery life. No matter what Apple does regarding 4G, the anti-Apple geeks will be able to spin it into some kind of negative you should fear. And that’s a trend that’ll continue down the list.

2) If the iPhone 5 uses the same glass material for its body as the iPhone 4 did, the geeks will say that it’s too fragile; nevermind that the iPhone 4 has been the most bulletproof iPhone design yet. And if the iPhone 5 moves to something else, the geeks will say that Apple should have stuck with the bulletproof glass.

3) If the iPhone 5 gets thinner, the geeks will claim that it’s too thin and therefore perhaps too fragile.

4) If the iPhone 5 body style remains the same as the iPhone 4, the geeks will claim that it’s last year’s model, regardless of how improved the specs are (see the iPhone 3G / 3GS era).

5) If the iPhone 5 screen gets bigger, geeks will claim that its edge to edge design will be too difficult to use; if the iPhone 5 screen size remains the same as the iPhone 4, those same geeks will say that it’s too small.

If you see a pattern here, you’re not the only one. No matter what Apple does with the iPhone 5, those geeks whose entire sense of self worth comes from steering people away from Apple products and toward geekier products will find a way to spin it into a negative. They’ll misrepresent the facts, misplace the relevance, and if it comes down to it, flat out make things up; they’ve done it all before with previous iPhone generations. Your job, then, is to tune these lunatics out and make your own decision. If you want an iPhone, get an iPhone. It’s as simple as that, anti-iPhone geek wanking be damned. Here’s more on the iPhone 5.

iPhone 5 Myths