This Week's Onion Must-Read

WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.

"In 1972, we arrested the members of the A-Team for a crime they swore they didn't commit," Gen. Stephen Lupo said. "They broke out of our maximum-security stockade, and from that moment forth, I thought of nothing but their recapture. However, a recent audit of their file has revealed that the arrest of the Alpha Force members was made in error. The U.S. military deeply regrets the mistake."

According to Lupo, the A-Team members' exoneration will occur before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Armed Forces on Aug. 24.

Just hours after Lupo's announcement was made, Cpt. H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, the A-Team's pilot, resurfaced to speak with journalist Amy Allen, who often reported on the mercenaries' charitable acts.

"For decades, we've been forced to live in the shadows," Murdock said. "Somehow, we always found a way to help people who had nowhere else to turn, but we operated under the constant threat of recapture. Finally, the nightmare is over."

Onion | US Military Clears A-Team of all charges

"Just like Atlantis, Ireland is 300 miles long, 200 miles wide, and widest across the middle. They both have a central plain surrounded by mountains.

Aye Laddie.. Keep tossing back those pints of Guiness. More cool theories will come along soon.

Ireland Is Lost Island of Atlantis, Says Scientist

BURLINGTON, VT—University of Vermont junior Becca Davis failed to do anything for the people of Tibet during her summer vacation, disgruntled fellow activists reported Tuesday.
"With class out for the summer, Becca had a valuable window during which she could have pressured the Chinese government to end its tyrannical reign over the Tibetan people," campus activist Sally Coe said. "Instead, she sunbathed in the park and worked part-time at a local bookstore. As a result, the Tibetan freedom cause has been set back months.

College Student does nothing for Tibet over Summer

Unsolicited Toe Licking???

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (Reuters) -- Unsolicited toe-licking would be banned in the Netherlands under a law sought by the Dutch Labor party after police were unable to prosecute a would-be Casanova with a taste for female toes because he had committed no crime.

A police spokesman said Friday a man had been detained after women sunning themselves in Rotterdam's parks and beaches claimed he had snuck up on them and begun to lick their toes.

"The officers had to let him go. Licking a stranger's toes is rather unusual but there is really nothing criminal about it," the spokesman said.

Proposed Dutch law would ban unsolicited toe-licking

Cara, 43, who works for the American Motorcycle Association, said he's been a lifelong prankster. This time, though, "the cleanup is going to be worse than the joke," he said.

OOPS!

Vanity License Plate Brings Tickets

WASHINGTON, DC—In the interest of national security, President Bush has been asked to stop posting entries on his three-month-old personal web log, acting CIA director John E. McLaughlin said Monday.
According to McLaughlin, several recent entries on PrezGeorgeW. typepad.com have compromised military operations, while other posts may have seriously undercut the PR efforts of White House press secretary Scott McClellan.
...
Members of Bush's re-election team have urged the president to exercise caution with his blog, perhaps because of posts like the one dated July 8, 2004: "Another long day of speeches and fundraisers. Met with all these phony media company execs. Had to promise them some bill next term and shake a lot of stupid hands, but they did bring in two or three million or so. Whatever. Karl keeps a list. I got big laughs during my speech, so I'm happy."
...
"I know so many people, but I'm way too busy to keep in touch with all of them," Bush said. "Whether I'm talking about our strategies in Gitmo or my dogs down in Crawford, the blog is an easy way to let everyone know what's been up with me. If I've just had a really good lunch at a new restaurant, or something funny happens in a briefing from the NSA, I want to let my friends and family know about it."

Onion | CIA asks Bush to discontinue Blog

NANTICOKE, Pa. - A helmet would be nice, but police here said clothes would be a good start when riding a motorcycle.

A local dentist pleaded guilty to a summary charge of disorderly conduct for driving a motorcycle with a naked woman on the back. The woman faces more serious charges.

Dr. Joseph P. Gronka, 39, of Scott Township, was pulled over June 12 when police noticed Lisa Drozdowski, 39, of Nanticoke, riding naked on the back of his motorcycle. Since then, Gronka has paid court costs and fines totaling $277.50.

Gronka declined comment.

Police said Drozdowski was belligerent when she was taken into custody and threw a small pipe into her cell toilet, then kicked an officer who tried to prevent her from flushing the toilet. She was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, tampering with evidence, resisting arrest and open lewdness.

Dentist Pleads Guilty in Naked Motorcycle Ride

Decius wrote:
] ] Nine out of 10 eligible Afghans have signed up for
] ] landmark October elections, the United Nations (news -
] ] web sites) said Sunday, a resounding endorsement of a
] ] democratic experiment supposed to help Afghanistan (news
] ] - web sites) turn its back on years of debilitating war.

I hope it is true but I remember something like 100% voter participation and everyone unanimously voting for Saddam in Iraq (back in the day).

RE: Yahoo! News - 90 Percent of Afghans Registered to Vote

Paramount has a new puppet feature coming out in October. Opinion withheld for now.

"Team America: World Police" is an action adventure from the creators of "South Park" starring an all-marionette cast.

This movie is not yet rated
Matt Drudge had these comments: Marionette puppets are used throughout the film to mock terror threats, and media figures who dominate the nation's airwaves. But Parker and Stone save most of the mocking for left-wing pundits and Michael Moore.

"Bush is not even in the film," Parker said Sunday night from Los Angeles during the DRUDGE REPORT radio broadcast.

Putting the F back in freedom?

Canute grew weary of the hype and decided to cut it short with a graphic demonstration of the limit of his powers. He had his chair placed at the edge of the sea, and as the tide rolled in, he commanded it to stop. No luck, of course, on stopping the tide, but Canute managed to gain a respite from the clamoring of the crowd.
...
In the meantime, however, RealNetworks is proving to be a real pain in Apple's side. In April, Real approached Apple about making the iPod compatible with Real's RealPlayer Music Store (RPMS). Request denied. This week Real announced the release of Harmony, a digital rights management translation service that will enable RPMS customers to play those songs on an iPod.
...
Apple needs to recognize, as Canute did, that it can't stop the tide, and get back to ruling its digital music kingdom wisely.

Excellent analogy... Steve Jobs' ego has dominated Apple's direction for a long time. Most of it has been dead-on w/ well timed choices and directions but I think he now needs to realize that to try to keep it all means to have none of it in the end.

Real vs Apple