This Week's Onion Must Read:

Rumsfeld's secretarial duties include coordinating all functions of the government relating directly to national security, formulating defense policy, overseeing the affairs of the military, and ordering new supplies.

But, according to National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Rumsfeld does "much more than that." She praised his "nearly psychic" ability to spot and prevent potential sticky situations.

National Economic Council director Stephen Friedman lavished the overworked secretary with praise.

"Donald should get an award for what he did the afternoon someone accidentally scheduled a lunch with the foreign minister from Guyana at the same time as a meeting with French president Jacques Chirac," Friedman said. "Instead of just sticking the foreign minister in a waiting room with some magazines, Donald had a representative from the House—fellow by the name of Daniels or Peterson or something—take him to lunch at The Jockey Club, and he got him a pair of tickets to that night's Washington Wizards game. The foreign minister had such a great time, he practically forgot he'd never met with Bush. Boy, did Don put out that fire."

Rumsfeld Looking Forward To Secretary's Day

Awful News...

FALLBROOK, Califorina (AP) -- -- The elderly parents of Grammy-winning recording artist "Weird Al" Yankovic were found dead in their home, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning, officials said.

Nick and Mary Yankovic were found dead Friday in their suburban San Diego home by relatives who were worried because they had not seen the couple in a while, said sheriff's Sgt. Conrad Grayson.

Paramedics found Nick Yankovic, 86, in a chair in the front living room. His 81-year-old wife was on the bathroom floor.

'Weird Al' Yankovic's parents found dead

We have some of the finest examples of humanity here in middle TN. If he were my neighbor, he would have some new .40 caliber holes in him...
NASHVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- A man was arrested on charges of killing his neighbor's 17-year-old dog by place-kicking it like a football.

Chad Daniel Crawford, 23, was charged with cruelty to animals and vandalism Tuesday in the death of Gizmo, a 2-pound miniature Yorkshire terrier. Crawford was freed on $25,000 bail.

Jalani Lewis said he was in his apartment complex when he saw one of three men holding the dog like a football and then saw Crawford kick the animal.

Lewis said the dog flew through the air in a high arc, hit the pavement and rolled under a parked car. The dog was apparently dead when it hit the ground and the men were laughing, Lewis said

Man charged with fatally kicking dog like a football

But oddly, no matter which man, Kerry or Bush, wins the electoral college and takes possession of the White House, one thing is for certain: The next President will be a member of one of the planet's most elitist and most exclusive secret societies, the Order of Skull and Bones. 
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Standing before a U.S. flag displayed for propaganda effect, presidential candidate John Kerry gives the classic Communist, clenched fist salute.
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Now comes bonesman John Kerry, whose real name is John Kohn, whose wealthy father, Richard Kohn, was a State Department big shot and whose Jewish grandfather, Fritz Kohn, originally came over to the U.S.A. from Czechoslovakia. Fritz Kohn set up shop with fellow Jews on Wall Street and soaked up a fortune ripping off hapless Gentile clients. In Massachusetts, Jews are not as popular as Irish Catholics, so the name "Kerry" was assigned the Kohn tribe. For his entire life, John Kerry has pretended to be Irish and Catholic. It got him his U.S. Senator post some 19 years ago. Now he wants to be President, and rich Jews have billions to donate to Jewish and pro-Zionist candidates. So, in 2003, Kerry publicly announced that he had just made a startling genealogical discovery. "Yep, I'm Jewish," Kerry told the press. "I never would have thought it," he said. "Gee whiz." For some reason, the Illuminati has decided that it is time. Time for many formerly hidden Jews to come out of the closet.

John Kerry - Illuminati Conspiracies

Ok, art is supposed to be subjective but wtf was he thinking?

COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- An artist with 780 gallons of red dye, three fire hoses and a 20-member crew at his disposal went to Greenland in search of a blank canvas large enough to accommodate his creative impulse.

The result is a blood-red iceberg now sitting off the country's western coast.

"We all have a need to decorate Mother Nature because it belongs to all us," Danish artist Marco Evaristti said Thursday. "This is my iceberg; it belongs to me."

Just how Greenlanders view his masterpiece isn't clear yet. There was no immediate reaction from authorities, who are generally very protective of their unspoiled environment.

Danish artist dyes iceberg red - Why?

Despicable behaviour but Oh my =)p

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - At least 82 women were secretly videotaped naked or partly undressed while applying for jobs at a Los Angeles-area Hooters restaurant and changing into the chain's distinctive uniform, police said on Thursday.

Detectives in the Los Angeles suburb of West Covina were interviewing the women, who range in age from 17 to 25, after seizing 180 video files from the personal computer of former Hooters manager Juan Aponte, police spokesman Rudy Lopez said.

"The videos were of the women changing into and out of the Hooters uniform," Lopez said, and were taken while they applied for a job at the restaurant, which is scheduled to open in April, at a trailer on the construction site.

Why would they open a Hooters in a trailer at a construction site?

Hooters Applicants Videotaped / Men Behaving Badly

This guy has been part of the problem. I will celebrate his departure.

Jack Valenti's Long Goodbye - No Successor Yet, but MPAA Chief Is Ready to Go

Jack Valenti, who has represented Hollywood in Washington for nearly four decades, took another step in his long goodbye yesterday, telling movie theater owners that he will retire within the next few months.
Most recently, however, Valenti and the MPAA have been occupied with movie piracy, both on the Internet and on bootlegged video discs.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass Jack...

This week's Onion must-read.

Rumsfeld then declared the tournament open by symbolically shattering a block of obsidian with his prosthetic dragon's claw—the powerful weapon grafted onto his right wrist after 2003 champion Li severed his hand with manji butterfly swords.
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"Man, they ain't seen unorthodox-but-effective until they seen me," said the languid Jack "Chocolate Lightning" Garrison, the two-time East Coast Freestyle Kung-Fu champion once described by SuckaPunch magazine as "six feet of stone-cold brotha and 10 inches of afro barely contained in a fly lemon-yellow jumpsuit."

Onion:Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament

Washington, DC - In an effort to reduce the federal deficit, President Bush announced today that all Americans must work weekends at Wal-Mart.

The retail giant has agreed to absorb the $2.4 trillion deficit in return for Americans providing free labor. Bush, who now calls himself the “Store Manager in Chief”, called the program “another bold step in our efforts to privatize the US government.”
Wal-Mart will pay one dollar towards the deficit for every hour an American is locked in a store and forced to stack boxes. “If every American gives up just 20 hours every weekend,” said Bush “we will erase the deficit in nine short years.”

BBSPOT: All Americans Must Work Weekends at Wal-Mart

Did you all see Lost In Translation? Really beautiful movie. Some people said it was slow, but I thought it was perfect. I picked that one up at Best Buy earlier today."
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"Movies teach us how to live and how to laugh," Clinton said. "That's so important. Just last week, I re-watched Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing. Man, I'd forgotten what a great movie that was. It fully renewed my commitment to racial, ethnic, and religious reconciliation."

Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library