ROCHESTER, NY—In response to increasing American demand for tangier, more hygienic meals, condiment giant French's has introduced a new antibacterial mustard.

"Each year, 15 million cases of bacterial food poisoning originate in U.S. home kitchens, resulting in nausea, diarrhea, fever, and even death," read a press release French's issued Monday. "Now, lunch doesn't have to endanger your health! All-new French's Antibacterial Mustard is the perfect way to add flavor to, and subtract harmful disease-causing bacteria from, your family's favorite meals!"

According to French's representative Darla Nelson, the new hypoallergenic mustard complements the company's expanding line—which includes French's Honey Dijon Mustard and French's Sweet & Tangy Honey Mustard—and kills over 99.99% of harmful germs.

The mustard is orange in color, more translucent than the traditional varieties, and somewhat medicinal in flavor. In product trials performed by French's, mothers preferred antibacterial mustard five to one when informed of its sterilizing properties.

A television commercial for the mustard plays up its prominent role in luncheon sanitization.
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In spite of such warnings, Nelson said all French's mustards will eventually contain triclosan, the most trusted antibacterial agent used in hospitals today, and that the company is currently working on three new germ-fighting sauces: Cattlemen's Kansas City Antibiotic BBQ Sauce, Frank's RedHot Hot Sauce with Hydrogen Peroxide, and French's Worcestershire-Neosporin Sauce.

French's Introduces Antibacterial Mustard

"We spent half an hour coming up with phrases that might confuse people who didn't grow up speaking English," Jason Nguyen said. "I didn't grow up speaking English. Here is a phrase that confuses me: 'Why is the front wheelbase on our jeeps narrower than the fucking rear one so we fucking get stuck in the mud every two fucking days?' Management should have a seminar to discuss that."

All-Minority Postal Staff Undergoes Mandatory Diversity Training

The site also provides two downloadable documents with blanks left for names -- one a curt business-style letter, the other a scathing poem -- to end relationships in writing.

You Wear Extra-Large Panties, Right Honey?

ha ha ha ha
Mecca - Muslim leaders from around the world hastily assembled today in the most holy city of Islam for an emergency meeting to discuss alarming reports that not all is well in Paradise.

"It appears that some of our young martyrs are displeased with the virgins they have received in Paradise," said Sheik Ali bin Farabi, Chairman of the influential Committee to Get Morons to Blow Themselves Up and Kill Infidels. "You see, Islam is a religion of love, and is based upon getting young people to strap sticks of dynamite to their bodies and go into malls and discos so that they may kill many, many innocent infidels. This is the will of Allah. Of course, most young Muslims these days are corrupted by the vile Western world with its indoor plumbing and Red Fusion Dr. Pepper, and so we must promise 72 virgins to any young person who fulfills the loving message of Islam by blowing up infidels."

This reporter was able to interview several martyrs in Paradise where morale levels as of late have become dangerously low. "I was robbed," said "Mohammed," a 15-year old martyr from Hebron. "Man, if I had known that all my 72 virgins were going to be Arab girls, I'd have never put on that vest filled with 12 pounds of plastique and blown myself up in that crowded daycare center. Geesh, those Arab girls have bigger mustaches than Sam Elliott's. Say what you will about the accursed Zionist chicks, but at least they're hot."

Muslim Martyrs Complain About Quality of Virgins in Paradise

In anticipation of your formal recognition of FREDS, I have attached an ADA disability claim, which will allow me to leave the university in order to fully recover. Just getting away from campus feminist rage should do the trick. And not having me around might even attenuate the rage of some of these angry feminists.

Feminist Rage Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome (FREDS)

This Week's Onion must-read.

WASHINGTON, DC—Historians and scholars nationwide heralded the discovery of a children's menu on the back of one of the four original charters of the U.S. Constitution, Archivist of the United States John Carlin said Monday.
...
Until now, scholars had focused on the elegant calligraphy on the Constitution's front, entirely overlooking the reverse side, which features two columns of fancifully named menu items, such as Yankee Doodle Macaroni, Jumpin' Johnnycakes, and Eagle Fingers.
...
"The wording of the Constitution is general, necessitating interpretation, and the same can be said for its children's menu," Carlin said. "We do not know exactly what the framers of the Constitution meant by 'Eagle Fingers.' Strict constructionists are likely to assume that they were strips of eagle flesh fried in batter, but loose constructionists might argue that the term was an amusing way to encourage children to eat their chicken or grouse."
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So far, no adult menu has been found.

Historians discover childrens menu on back of US Constitution

From the Onion:

WASHINGTON, DC—The 22 battleground states in the 2004 presidential election said Monday that they have received threats, both direct and veiled, from Kerry and Bush campaign operatives. "Now, you listen up, Iowa—you're voting for Kerry, see, and you're gonna like it," an unidentified Kerry-Edwards thug allegedly told the Midwestern state, which controls seven electoral votes. "Youse got some real nice agribusiness in your state. Sure would be a shame to see you lose it. Get the picture?" In a similar vein, should Ohio's 20 votes not end up in the red column, a team of Bush's goons has allegedly threatened to throw the state's several thousand wheelchair-bound grandmothers down a flight of stairs.

ROFL.. Look out for double secret online probation!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Capella University, one of the nation's most heavily trafficked institutions of online learning, issued a stern disciplinary e-mail message to the members of the disorderly Alpha Sigma Sigma online fraternity Monday.
"Alpha Sigma Sigma has not only broken the rules included in each distance learner's Online Application User Agreement, but they have also continually thwarted our efforts to create a serious online-learning community and an inclusive e-campus," Capella Dean of Students Theodore Albertson said. "This rowdy fraternity has been a thorn in the school's side for years, and frankly, we've had enough."

Since opening its Capella chapter in 1996, the online fraternity has been cited numerous times for conducting illicit co-ed chatroom parties and circulating anti-administration QuickTime videos. In 1999, the university officially censured Alpha Sigma Sigma for conducting illegal hazing activities, in which pledges were coerced into participating in lewd and embarrassing acts via webcam.

Online University Cracks Down On Rowdy Online Frat

This Week's Onion Must-Read

WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.

"In 1972, we arrested the members of the A-Team for a crime they swore they didn't commit," Gen. Stephen Lupo said. "They broke out of our maximum-security stockade, and from that moment forth, I thought of nothing but their recapture. However, a recent audit of their file has revealed that the arrest of the Alpha Force members was made in error. The U.S. military deeply regrets the mistake."

According to Lupo, the A-Team members' exoneration will occur before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Armed Forces on Aug. 24.

Just hours after Lupo's announcement was made, Cpt. H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, the A-Team's pilot, resurfaced to speak with journalist Amy Allen, who often reported on the mercenaries' charitable acts.

"For decades, we've been forced to live in the shadows," Murdock said. "Somehow, we always found a way to help people who had nowhere else to turn, but we operated under the constant threat of recapture. Finally, the nightmare is over."

Onion | US Military Clears A-Team of all charges

BURLINGTON, VT—University of Vermont junior Becca Davis failed to do anything for the people of Tibet during her summer vacation, disgruntled fellow activists reported Tuesday.
"With class out for the summer, Becca had a valuable window during which she could have pressured the Chinese government to end its tyrannical reign over the Tibetan people," campus activist Sally Coe said. "Instead, she sunbathed in the park and worked part-time at a local bookstore. As a result, the Tibetan freedom cause has been set back months.

College Student does nothing for Tibet over Summer