2003 Darwin Awards
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin
Awards,here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly
classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the
most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just
think... until these events, these same people were walking the
streets like normal people. 5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on
a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski
run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift
towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Dept. The
pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed
into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower
he hit was the one with its pad removed. 4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.
Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without
paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to
death. 3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell
on him. 2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22
bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap
into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl.
M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and
was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll
show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it
blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said. 1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye
last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in
Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head,
but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the
arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have
been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor
Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the
rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow
out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed,
but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation. Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but
having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to
"hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled
their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for (the late) Mr.
Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a
large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree
with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from
the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The
sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters
worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins,
seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and
tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and
slowly driving away. However, in his drunken aste/state, he put the
truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend
and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from
massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John
under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win... |
