100g caffeine

+

Upside Down Tomato Planter

=

ORGANIC TOMACCO. But with caffeine instead of Nicotine.

I have secured the grounds output of one coffee shop indefinitely. It is 50+ pounds a week. I will therefore have 2500+ pounds of well composted coffee come next year's planting season (figure some loss during composting, but I can get more coffee shops on board). It is about 2% nitrogen, not a bad fertilizer.

I find myself wondering if that much coffee grounds could caffeinate my vegetables.

So here is the plan:

1) Collect and accumulate grounds. I need them for compost/fertilizer no matter what.

2) Put 100g caffeine in the soil of one topsy turvy upside down tomato plant. They give you seeds but I think I'll use grape tomatoes.

3) Grow plant. Pick tomatoes.

4) Buy chemicals to extract caffeine from grape tomatoes. I did the extraction from tea/coffee in college, so the only tricky part will be getting the chemicals without getting raided by the DEA as a meth cooker.

If the grape tomatoes have significant amounts of caffeine in them:

5) Extract caffeine from grounds, then from well-composted grounds, to determine levels.

6) Spread grounds all in one concentrated area for growing caffeinated vegetables.

7) Extract caffeine from vegetables when they grow, to determine and verify caffeine levels. Label veggies as to caffeine content.

8) ????

9) PROFIT! Charge a premium for all naturally caffeinated, organic vegetables. Tomatoes. I might try some other plants in case those don't take it up well.

This is just about the stupidest, funnest business plan I can think of, so I will implement it immediately.