From the heady days of a bygone era ... a glimpse of the future present.

Problem is, anyone with a camera and a cable network can broadcast a public funeral - and an 82 percent market share divided between four networks and several news channels isn't enough to attract a Bud Bowl. The answer is the F! channel, which will offer definitive coverage of famous deaths - all day and all night. Sure, reruns will attract only the faithful (or the downright weird), but when the world mourns, F! becomes must-see TV in a way NBC execs can only dream of. In much the same way that MTV branched out from videos into other aspects of the music scene, F! will offer original programming as well. F! Unplugged will feature the exploits of Dr. Kevorkian, and Mourning Becomes Eclectic will give viewers a glimpse of "alternative" burials around the globe.

Since most of F!'s programming will consist of filmed public events, costs will be low. The most significant start-up expense will be a publicity campaign aimed at convincing local cable companies to carry F!, though this outlay may be mitigated by a possible partnership with G-SPAN. The steady stream of celebrity death should ensure plenty of free promotion - elaborate outside advertising isn't necessary when the passing of even culturally marginal figures receives extensive what-does-it-all-mean metareporting in the nation's newsweeklies. Rather, the channel will produce effective but inexpensive posters that feature catchy slogans like "Imagine living in a non-funeral country," "Tragedy from 9 to 5, eulogies from 8 to 11," and "You could have talked to your wife any time."