Hello, Stanford children. I know you’re probably not reading this right now because half of you are too busy getting drunk to even improve your literacy. And, hey, we know why most of you are here, right? Parents studied here, have millions of dollars in the bank, etc. So why are you gorging yourself on beer? It’s not even Stella Artois. It’s that cheap-as-piss, taste-like-piss beer.

Put it down. Put it down right this instant. Step away from the beer. Yes, you heard me. If alcohol is your poison of choice — as it is for millions (okay, this is America, where higher education is prohibitively expensive, so thousands) of college kids — you should at least try to enjoy it. And don’t even pretend to enjoy beer. Unless you’re into golden showers. There are better ways to get drunk, even if kegs of diluted urine are all they allow at parties. (Because, you know, Stanford kids are upright law-abiding citizens.) And chances are, since daddy went to GSB and mommy sends you LV bags for achieving that B+ in Math 51, you can afford a marginally more expensive option than bad-tasting beer.

Contrary to popular belief, a vodka shot does not a good drink make. No, that’s a recipe for liver cirrhosis in a cup. Shots are fun, if you’re a high school kid. But now you’re older than that. Or at least you will be. Grow up and start trying out mixed drinks. Because cocktails are here to stay. You’re not going to walk into an office dinner and tell the waiter, “A keg of beer please. And six vodka shots.”null

I love it back down here... I cant find good beer... If you as for a "Stella Artois" you get, "who's she? with a redneck twang... ahh the high-low life of being out in BFE...