Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation’s growing spider epidemic.

Several other unnamed addicts who wandered in and out of the hearings described their efforts to establish “an open dialogue” with the spiders, but said the arachnids responded by growing dramatically in size and speaking with the voices of John Goodman, Gene Hackman, and Rosie Perez, bringing the first round of negotiations to an abrupt end.