Abaddon wrote:
i hate my life...i hate my job, i hate my city, i hate everyone in that city, i hate my work, i hate my reputation, i hate the choices ive made in life, i hate that i have almost no friends here, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being trusted, i hate not being worthy of trust, i hate being crazy, i hate sane people, i hate being in debt, i hate having no control, i hate having control and fucking things up with it, i hate chaising after some bullshit dream, i hate having accomplished those dreams only to find that im empty, i hate being empty all the time, i hate my future, i hate it when people assume things are going great for me, i hate that im just like my mother, i hate that nothing matters to me anymore, i hate everything...and right now, i hate me...

maybe tomorrow will be better...

Nice to see I'm not the only one that posts the occasional personal freakout entry. ;)

Abaddon wrote:
i hate my life...i hate my job, i hate my city, i hate everyone in that city, i hate my work, i hate my reputation, i hate the choices ive made in life, i hate that i have almost no friends here, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being trusted, i hate not being worthy of trust, i hate being crazy, i hate sane people, i hate being in debt, i hate having no control, i hate having control and fucking things up with it, i hate chaising after some bullshit dream, i hate having accomplished those dreams only to find that im empty, i hate being empty all the time, i hate my future, i hate it when people assume things are going great for me, i hate that im just like my mother, i hate that nothing matters to me anymore, i hate everything...and right now, i hate me...

maybe tomorrow will be better...

If it's any consolation, California chewed me up and spit me out. I went, did my time, got the X points, and got the hell out :)

Abaddon wrote:
i hate my life...i hate my job, i hate my city, i hate everyone in that city, i hate my work, i hate my reputation, i hate the choices ive made in life, i hate that i have almost no friends here, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being trusted, i hate not being worthy of trust, i hate being crazy, i hate sane people, i hate being in debt, i hate having no control, i hate having control and fucking things up with it, i hate chaising after some bullshit dream, i hate having accomplished those dreams only to find that im empty, i hate being empty all the time, i hate my future, i hate it when people assume things are going great for me, i hate that im just like my mother, i hate that nothing matters to me anymore, i hate everything...and right now, i hate me...

maybe tomorrow will be better...

yep been there and last time it got really bad I took 60ish paracetamol and was in hospital for a week but fuck it, fuck it all
i took anti-depressants for a while and now I don't need them anymore and my anti psychosis meds are down from 5 mg to 1 mg a day

fuck it - scream at the world and sing "Do you know the way to San Jose?" but most of all let it out before you turn the pain upon yourself

I hope tomorrow is better

Abaddon wrote:
i hate my life...i hate my job, i hate my city, i hate everyone in that city, i hate my work, i hate my reputation, i hate the choices ive made in life, i hate that i have almost no friends here, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being trusted, i hate not being worthy of trust, i hate being crazy, i hate sane people, i hate being in debt, i hate having no control, i hate having control and fucking things up with it, i hate chaising after some bullshit dream, i hate having accomplished those dreams only to find that im empty, i hate being empty all the time, i hate my future, i hate it when people assume things are going great for me, i hate that im just like my mother, i hate that nothing matters to me anymore, i hate everything...and right now, i hate me...

maybe tomorrow will be better...

STOP STEALING MY SCHTICK! :)

Abaddon wrote:
i hate my life...i hate my job, i hate my city, i hate everyone in that city, i hate my work, i hate my reputation, i hate the choices ive made in life, i hate that i have almost no friends here, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being trusted, i hate not being worthy of trust, i hate being crazy, i hate sane people, i hate being in debt, i hate having no control, i hate having control and fucking things up with it, i hate chaising after some bullshit dream, i hate having accomplished those dreams only to find that im empty, i hate being empty all the time, i hate my future, i hate it when people assume things are going great for me, i hate that im just like my mother, i hate that nothing matters to me anymore, i hate everything...and right now, i hate me...

maybe tomorrow will be better...

you should pick up a hobby like drumming or skeet shooting.

I understand the feelings you describe. I too have had a pretty rough year to say the least.

I lost the love of my life (she cheated on me), our baby was aborted (her choice, not mine), my grandma (who was basicly the replacement for my piece of shit father) died, my mom almost died twice, I had a serious heart attack just a few weeks ago, and I am still stuck living at my mom's house with no one to keep me company at night.

When I had my heart attack, it was by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced. Words can't even come close to describing the physical and emotional pain I was experiencing. In what I thought was my last moments here on earth, all I could think about was my ex and my lost baby, and how I wanted them both back more than anything. I knew I had a choice, either wake mom up and go to the ER, or just lay there and die. I choose to lay there and die because I just wanted this overwhelming pain to go the fuck away forever.

I woke up the next morning, my chest still hurting, my body still felt like a million needles were in it. I then went to the doctor to see what was going on and what he could do for me. After two weeks of tests, the doctors told me that all of this was stress induced, and I needed to chill the fuck out.

I know that it seems hard at times, and it may feel like God isn't watching over you and lets the worst things in the world happen to you when you have done nothing to deserve being treated that way. Hell, I'm willing to bet that you have done the things you've done because you were trying to help someone else (if not everyone else).
I wasn't at BlackHat, but I was at DefCon13 and heard and read all about it. Nice work, well done! But what have you gotten for your hard work, probably close to nothing (my guess). Nothing seems to be going the way you want it, nothing seems to work out in your favor, and being alone can seem like the worst punishment in the world.

The thing that was the hardest for me to learn after I almost died, which I think could help you too, is you have to learn to NOT CARE AS MUCH ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD AND CARE ONLY FOR YOURSELF AND THOSE WHO HAVE EARNED YOUR RESPECT AND ARE WORTH YOUR LOVE AND CARE!

It's obvious, your pain, in your writings. I've seen it in the mirror thousands of times. I'm reaching out to you is because I know that you believe in God (as do I) and someone pointed me in your direction. Please take care of yourself Michael, and care only for yourself. Be a little bit more selfish, don't worry and try and make everyone else happy. If your like me, and you care a FUCK TON about other people, and those people let you down, you take it personally and it tears you apart on the inside.

AS HARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE AS IT MAY BE TO DO, QUIT CARING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE, AND START CARING FOR YOURSELF. DON'T EXPECT ANYONE ELSE TO COME AND RESCUE YOU FROM YOU, BECAUSE YOU WILL BE LET DOWN EVERYTIME!!! ... [ Read More (0.2k in body) ]

Abaddon wrote:
i hate my life...i hate my job, i hate my city, i hate everyone in that city, i hate my work, i hate my reputation, i hate the choices ive made in life, i hate that i have almost no friends here, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being trusted, i hate not being worthy of trust, i hate being crazy, i hate sane people, i hate being in debt, i hate having no control, i hate having control and fucking things up with it, i hate chaising after some bullshit dream, i hate having accomplished those dreams only to find that im empty, i hate being empty all the time, i hate my future, i hate it when people assume things are going great for me, i hate that im just like my mother, i hate that nothing matters to me anymore, i hate everything...and right now, i hate me...

maybe tomorrow will be better...

Abbaddon,

Simply put, come back to Atlanta, or Dallas, and fuck the job, fuck the city, fuck the work, fuck the reputation... We trust you, and care... so, if you need anything, just call on your friends... we're still here.