Earlier today, a disruptive passenger with hand cream and matches -- a 59-year-old American woman -- caused officials to call for an emergency landing of a Washington-bound United Airlines flight.

This statement is somewhat misleading, because it conjures up the image of a woman getting frustrated after furtively (and unsuccessfully) attempting to ignite her hand cream with pocket matches. In fact, neither the matches nor the cream -- or, "a gelatin-like substance", according to Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney -- were found until after the crew had made the decision to divert.

Two Massachusetts Air National Guard F-15 fighter jets scrambled today to escort the aircraft to Boston's Logan National Airport.

NYT coverage is here. Note in the photo that the aircraft did not pull up to a gate to let passengers disembark. Instead they were unloaded on the tarmac and bussed to the terminal.

"The pilot of flight 923 requested to divert to Boston Logan to make an emergency landing."

Lest anyone conclude this was an overreaction on the pilot's part, let it be known:

"This isn't just an 'I want another drink' kind of thing."

No, sir. This was an "I want another motherf***ing drink on this motherf***ing plane!" kind of thing.

By all indications, there were no snakes.