Did you hear this?

"This bill also will help protect Americans from the growing threat of methamphetamine. Meth is easy to make. It is highly addictive. It is ruining too many lives across our country."

As if there has long been a well-known threshold, and recently we've crossed it, thus making this legislation necessary.

"The bill introduces common-sense safeguards that would make many of the ingredients used in manufacturing meth harder to obtain in bulk, and easier for law enforcement to track. For example, the bill places limits on large-scale purchases of over-the-counter drugs that are used to manufacture meth. It requires stores to keep these ingredients behind the counter or in locked display cases.

Oh, right -- like an M-rated Playstation game!

The bill also increases penalties for smuggling and selling of meth. Our nation is committed to protecting our citizens and our young people from the scourge of methamphetamine."

Apparently it's their addiction to meth that drives extremists to terror.

Before the Patriot Act, it was easier to track the phone contacts of a drug dealer than the phone contacts of an enemy operative. Before the Patriot Act, it was easier to get the credit card receipts of a tax cheater than trace the financial support of an al Qaeda fundraiser. The Patriot Act corrected these double standards, and the United States is safer as a result.

The Patriot Act is about civil rights, but not in the way you thought.

"What we've done, you see, is, we've raised the bar on probable cause when it comes to wiretapping drug dealers, and we've established a separate court staffed by specially trained jurists who will carefully review all requests to wiretap the phones of drug dealers. And we've decided that from now on, tax cheaters will lose their Mastercard privileges. I know that sounds harsh, but it had to be done. The Patriot Act is all about fairness and equality. Do you think Osama has a Mastercard? Well, there you go."