Q. Wow. Wait, what exactly are those numbers?

A. What? What kind of question is that? This is just the kind of foot-dragging that's kept you paying rent on the same roach-infested closet for years while your home-owning friends have gotten fantastically wealthy. Did you know that we homeowners are having Champagne-and-caviar parties every weekend and not inviting you?

Q. Come on.

A. It's true. And sometimes we hire the White Stripes to play. That's right, the White Stripes. You love the White Stripes, don't you? Then buy a house!