From the Onion:

WASHINGTON, DC—The 22 battleground states in the 2004 presidential election said Monday that they have received threats, both direct and veiled, from Kerry and Bush campaign operatives. "Now, you listen up, Iowa—you're voting for Kerry, see, and you're gonna like it," an unidentified Kerry-Edwards thug allegedly told the Midwestern state, which controls seven electoral votes. "Youse got some real nice agribusiness in your state. Sure would be a shame to see you lose it. Get the picture?" In a similar vein, should Ohio's 20 votes not end up in the red column, a team of Bush's goons has allegedly threatened to throw the state's several thousand wheelchair-bound grandmothers down a flight of stairs.