This Week's Onion Must Read:

Rumsfeld's secretarial duties include coordinating all functions of the government relating directly to national security, formulating defense policy, overseeing the affairs of the military, and ordering new supplies.

But, according to National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Rumsfeld does "much more than that." She praised his "nearly psychic" ability to spot and prevent potential sticky situations.

National Economic Council director Stephen Friedman lavished the overworked secretary with praise.

"Donald should get an award for what he did the afternoon someone accidentally scheduled a lunch with the foreign minister from Guyana at the same time as a meeting with French president Jacques Chirac," Friedman said. "Instead of just sticking the foreign minister in a waiting room with some magazines, Donald had a representative from the House—fellow by the name of Daniels or Peterson or something—take him to lunch at The Jockey Club, and he got him a pair of tickets to that night's Washington Wizards game. The foreign minister had such a great time, he practically forgot he'd never met with Bush. Boy, did Don put out that fire."