Why do people sign up for this stupid site, Facebook?

Does anyone really desire to keep in touch with their "friends" that badly?

I don't.

I liked it better, in the old days, where I could see my pals decline in easily digestible chunks, chomped down over time when I would see them in the mall and realize how miserable they looked, how annoying their girlfriends seemed, how beaten they'd gotten.

It made me feel better about myself.

It made me feel godlike.

It made me into the sort of guy who would walk into a supermarket in the middle of the night and do my shopping without having to run into them at all.

Until Facebook runs a special on canned ham that matches that of Wegmans, I want no damned part of it. And I don't want to watch my friends turn to shit in slo-mo.

I want to do it with time lapse, but until then, I will settle for running into them in the mall.

And I don't want access to anyone's personal information any more than I'd want someone to have access to mine, but if Facebook wants to give my home phone number to Goldman Sachs or Wal Mart, then I expect phone sex from them.

"Hello, this is Elaine, customer service representative for Wal Mart, calling!"

"Um, yes?"

"We want to know what color panties you are wearing right now! This is a courtesy call."

"I don't wear panties. I am a guy."

"Well, what are you doing with your hands right now? Are you wet? We have a sale this month on Scott Toilet Tissue. I'm so hot for you right now. A dozen rolls for $2.79. I want you to bend me over. Jolly Green giant snow peas, 56 cents a can! Fuck me."

"Those are some pretty good deals."

"Oh baby, I want you so bad...I'm about to explode. T Bone steaks, $6.05 a pound. Pound me with your bone...We appreciate your patronage at your local Wal Mart. Be sure to check out our large selection of five dollar DVDs, and cum all over my face."