This is so heartbreaking!!

I was a friend of Brad's from the gaming community. I played with him for about two and a half years, but didn't become a good friend until about a year and a half ago. Somehow, after a game, we ended up chatting one evening....and we became friends very quickly.

In game, I only knew him as, Crankymessiah, he seemed like a nice guy....but, until I got to know "Brad", I had no idea how special he really was. He was SO nice, intelligent, funny and interesting. He loved his family and friends and his dog, Dexter. He was passionate about "non-mainstream" music and he introduced me to many wonderful artists that I never knew existed. Over the course of a year, we stayed up late almost every night and chatted about life.....both the good stuff and the bad stuff. We also chatted during the day, while he was "bored" at work. In fact, he often would show me the threads at this forum and at others which he frequented. You all were endless sources of amusement for him!

In a few of those conversations we talked about his battle with addiction....and he had me totally convinced that he was still clean after all these years!! I cannot count how many times I told him how much I admire him for staying clean....since I knew so many others who lost their lives to drugs. He was the ONE success story that I knew...he *WAS*... :(

Brad knew himself very well....and he understood that he was prone to addictions. It seemed to both annoy him, and sardonically amuse him. The Brad I knew was very dry and sarcastic....especially about his own "flaws". I knew that he drank....and wow did I lecture him about it!! I was always terrified that he would get into an accident or that he would drink so much that he would end up in the hospital! I even nagged him about his smoking. Everytime he would say "brb, I need a smoke"....He knew he could expect a sarcastic comment from me....such as: "Tell your black lungs I say, HI". I admit, I was pretty hard on him from time to time about his drinking and smoking...so much so.....that I often asked him if I annoyed him! He insisted that I didn't, and I believed him....but then again....I also believed that he was off of drugs.

So, now I'm sitting here still reeling from the shock and sadness. I have regrets of my own, too! Several months ago, my gaming and chatting on MSN began tapering off.....My own life had become so chaotic and busy, I just never found the time to chat for any length of time. Eventually, I stopped logging in altogether....without ever officially saying, "goodbye". I can't help but wonder....if I had stayed in touch with him....could I have helped?? He knew what an anti-drug person I have always been....so....could *I* have somehow prevented him from relapsing? Could I have knocked some sense into him?? Then I think: Was he using all along....but lying to me?? Brad had many close friends, and obviously he fooled them to their faces....so, I'm sure it was even easier to fool an online friend, who had never even heard his voice before.

I want to believe that he wasn't knee-deep in addiction again....I want to believe that this was just an isolated incident which ended in tragedy. Based upon what I read, it seemed like he was really getting his life together! I saw in the beginning of the thread, that he was in a "budding relationship"....Whoever she was.....I hope she made him happy during his final days. He was such a great guy.....he truly deserved happiness!

To all of his friends and family: I'm sure none of you know me....but I want you to know how truly sorry I am for your loss. I want you to know that he always said such wonderful things about you! For the (too brief)time he was on this Earth, he touched many of us.....he made us laugh...he made us think....he made us cry. I can only hope, wherever he is now....that he is at peace.

To Brad: Brad, you will always be thought of so very fondly! I was lucky to have been your friend, and I had never forgotten you.....nor will I ever forget you as long as I live!

:'(

Heather

RE: I am sad, and unhappy...