Folks,

Now that I've had a few days to decompress, I wanted to thank everyone here and at Fazed for your kind words and expressions of sympathy. Brad's family got to see some of the posts and they were really excited about the amazing impact their son had not only on people in real life, but people that have never met him face to face. That was really the kind of guy Brad was.

I have lost many friends to battles with addiction, and I can tell you that it has gotten a lot harder over the years, not easier. This came as a complete shock. You don't expect this at our age anymore. Brad had not used for about 8 years. But frankly, he was in a slow steady decline as he had started drinking again about 18 months ago. I should know... I was his drinking buddy.

You generally don't think much about this when it comes to some addicts. There is a distinction between an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and Brad had worked through his steps with vigor throughout his years of sobriety. If anything, he seemed as though he had figured out how to manage his life very well. He had a new place. A new job. A budding relationship. Was doing well by every account. But I am reminded that this is usually when the bottom falls out for most people.

A lot of people have requested 'the story.' Well, I'll tell you. Brad had recently been spending more and more time with some old friends. And by old friends, I'm talking about former using buddies. Some of them had cleaned up, but some of them hadn't. And one in particular had just suffered a major relapse. Brad's last communique to a special friend was "I'm going to help a friend." This friend had shot up, and Brad had gone to take care of him. In the process, the two of them had probably gotten drunk and smoked some pot. This friend's girlfriend came over and was very upset because her boyfriend had shot up. To console her, the friend left for a few hours, leaving Brad alone; unable to drive home; sitting with his longtime demon right in front of him. It's my belief that this was basically mental gladiator combat. It was him and the needle, and only one of them was coming out. When the friend returned, he found Brad unconscious, but revived him. Brad assured him that he was okay. And they both fell asleep. Brad never awoke.

Now it's easy to say things like "drugs suck" and "why do people do this junk" but the fact is that we all have our demons to deal with. When you're in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people, in a weakened mental state... you're highly likely to make the wrong decision. This one cost Brad his life. I can't imagine a human alive that wouldn't have followed the same error chain at some point. The odds could've gone the other way and Brad would be alive, but facing a very steep mountain to climb in regaining his balance in sobriety. We should all be thankful that our mistakes aren't so costly.

So at this point, you're left with a ton of guilt and anger and frustration, but no place to put it. It's not our fault that Brad had relapsed. It's not our fault that Brad had been lieing to friends about his other drug usage. It's not our fault that Brad had been keeping mutual friends apart so that they couldn't put 2 and 2 together. It's not our fault that Brad had not been hanging with people who were more upbuilding to his stability. But it still feels like it is nonetheless. Especially for me, because I should know better. It was all right there in front of me, but I couldn't see it.

I saw Brad at least once a week. We'd email almost every day. He was like my brother. We talked a lot about his sobriety, his issues, his fears and health. He looked me right in the eye last Saturday night and promised me he wouldn't shoot dope again. Just like he had many times before. I beleived him and I believe that he was telling the truth at the time even now. But I'm still angry with him and angry with myself.

Brad wasn't the most noticeable guy. He didn't have a fancy title or an impressive career. Didn't live in a large house or have many material things. Wasn't the tallest or biggest guy you'd seen. Didn't have a powerful voice. Wasn't the smartest guy you'd met. Didn't have a lot of trophies or awards for things he was good at. Didn't have a parade of really important people at his wake.

But I'm telling you he had all of that. He was all of those things.

During the eulogies, everyone kept repeating the same words:

"picked up where we left off"
"always the first to be there when I needed someone"
"was the coolest guy I ever met"
"introduced me to some of my favorite things"
"taught me how to be a friend"
"was the most thoughtful person I'd ever met"
"loved his family and friends so much"
"had the greatest smile"
"had the most infectious laugh"

Those words will ring in my heart for the rest of my life, because I've never met a person that they were so true for.

So what have I learned in this experience?

1) If you think someone needs help, respond with relentless diligence. Don't worry about being a pest. Being a pest is so much better than being a grieving friend.

2) There are drugs, and then there's heroin.

3) The man who has true friends truly has everything he could ever need.

4) When bad things happen, let them transform a part of you that is better than it was before. That is the greatest honor you can give to someone.

5) Always return people's phone calls, even when you're sick or tired, or not feeling like it.

I want to share a poem that Brad wrote in 1986. Ironically, it was written on the exact same day in 1986 that he was buried in 2004. This poem was distributed by one of Brad's friends as we were burying Brad. Emotions were certainly at their highest and most of us had already lost it and were weeping uncontrollably. But Brad's personality is perfectly caputured in the following words and he played his last note perfectly:

The Force of Time has no limit.
Time plays the ultimate part in our lives. Time effects us at every moment. Time cannot be stopped except by the end of Time.
The end of Time will be when Time's Force wears thin, in some distant generation, and Time slows and eventually stops.
Imagine Time stopping and all past Times converging on the same plane. That will cause the Ultimate End.
The Ultimate End will be like someone turning a television set off. It (everything) will all just suck into the giant vacuum of the space of nothing. All life & non-life will just dissolve, except for one Ozzy Osbournce record which will stand as a memorandum of our race... because... Ozzy Rules Eternally... even beyond the Ultimate End.

RE: I am sad, and unhappy...